Christmas Madness - There is No Cure for the Holidays

[peg22]

 

Okay, so I just intercepted these missives from a delightful little man with a lisp and a limp. So I must share. I also must step away from the Christmas cheer, but that's a whole nother episode of Intervention, okay?!

Just a little crackity crack for the season. Starring DS, PMG, Stephen Fry,  soiling the reputation of Hugh Laurie, Hugh Grant, Ian Mckellen, Alan Davies, Jude Law, and some unnamed hobbits . . .

Really, I just report. Oh, yeah, and there's a spot of Dickens.

Christmas Missives

by Kaye

 

 

   TO: The Always Amiable Paul Starsky Glaser

                       FROM: The Ever Ebullient Stephen Fry

 

                       RE: The Holiday Festivities

 

My dearest Paul Michele,

 

How fortuitous that you have chosen this holiday season to grace us with your gorgeous presence, here on our humble island, since this is the very year I have chosen to move my glorious, never to be missed, Christmas Carrying On to my country estate.

 

I will send a car round for you and that mangy but forever fabulous David Be Still My Soul at three pm sharp. Christmas Eve. Pack light. Bring nothing. All will be provided.

 

See the attached for a glimpse of the merriment of the last season.

 

Regrets are not accepted. Gushing gratitude only.

 

Kisses,

 

Stephen

 

*****

 

    TO: The Infinitely Irritating Jeeves

                        FROM: David Soul

 

                        RE: Your invitation

 

Fry,

 

Paul can’t be there – he’s flying home that morning. (And save all the eyebrow wagging for when I can see you) I’m headed to Brighton with friends, but may just show up at your drafty old castle – send me directions. And I saw the pictures. Laurie should sue.

 

DS

 

*****

 

           TO: The American Educated TV Star

                               FROM: The Cambridge Educated Intellectual

 

                               RE: Your last missive

 

My dearest Hutchinsoul,

 

Although your gruff exterior used to set my cap, you are not a streetwise detective any longer, nor have you had a hit record since Disco rang out, so my dearest boy – cease and desist with all the attitude.

 

And under no circumstances are you to bring round friends from Brighton. My party is all glitter and sparkles and the last thing we need is elf ears and pints of Grolsch. Capice? (to use language you may find more comfortable)

 

I do believe you are slipping, old man, if you cannot keep the luscious Captain Hook in our country. What is Christmas without a quick swat at that derriere I ask you? I stand firm in my invitation and the car will be waiting at the designated time and place.

 

I suggest you use your powers of persuasion, which I know to be formidable – Christmas 1999 comes to mind – and leave the Brighton unfortunates to their plum pudding.

 

I am always and forever,

 

S Fry

 

*****

 

        TO: Stephen

                           FROM: Soul

 

Jesus, if that’s what you learned at Cambridge - I had to go find another old poofter to translate for me. Thank God Ian McKellen was in town. And what do you have against Brighton? I seem to remember a summer down there where all I saw of you and Laurie was a hand snaking out the door to readjust the DO NOT DISTURB sign.

 

I’ve tried with Captain Hook. He is a stubborn bastard, who thinks duty trumps history. Don’t ask. Just give me the directions to your place. Or I could call Alan and ask him – he’s invited right? Or maybe Jude . . . hey, I’ll just hitch a ride with Jude. And Mrs. Law. Is there still a Mrs. Law?

 

Love,

 

DS

 

*****

 

    TO: The Uninvited David Soulless

                        FROM: Stephen Fry

 

Firstly, the fabulous Ian McKellen is bringing some young hobbit – top that!

 

Secondly, you, my dear old lion, have misspoke, overstepped, and become a thorn too large to ignore.

There’s a reason Starsky is everyone’s favourite – and it’s not just the lumpy cardy. I must excise you from my Christmas list – you naughty, naughty boy. How dare you bring up my greatest heartache and my greatest regret?  
 

You must have had quite the row with your nearest and dearest to misdirect your poisoned, liquor-soaked darts towards dear old me. The innocent founder of what is to be the most glorious feast of the season. I am wounded. Deeply. Irrevocably.

 

And yet, I extend my hand even further – I will come fetch you both myself. Right after the matinee. You can ride down with the top shelf boys. You must promise not to speak, though. The last time you and the delicious Hugh Grant were together, weren’t there constables involved?

 

If a limo, whiskey, Havanas, me, two Hughs, Ian and a bloody hobbit can’t convince you . . .

 

I remain forever optimistic,

 

Stephen

 

*****

 

  TO: Stephen Fry

                   FROM: Paul Glaser

 

                   RE: The party

 

Stephen,

 

Please accept Davey’s apology. He’s very, very sorry. And I’m sorry he opened my mail without my knowledge. He also opened my single malt, which I’m sure you surmised, being Cambridge-educated and all. I, too, hold a Cambridge education from my side of the pond, and I was able to read through and above and beyond every line. I'm glad you've become friends with Davey - he needs you - whether he'll tell you that himself or not.

 

So, if the invitation is still open, I’d like to accept. After this grueling panto, I could use a couple of days in the country. And I promise Davey will behave. As much as Davey can behave. Maybe you could get him to sign a waiver . . .

 

The matinee comes down about 3. See you there.  

 

Paul

 

*****

   TO: My favorite 70s TV Cop

                       FROM: Your favorite 80s British TV Star

 

                       RE: My cup runneth over

 

Dear dear Paulie Starsky Michele Glaser,

 

I thought the Hottentots had hijacked you. Or the Huns had snatched you away. Or that bad David Hutchinson had you locked in the closet (pun always intended). Just thrilled to hear from you.

 

And thrilled you decided to join us in our humble celebration of the season.

 

I, for one, think that your presence will cast a fine shine onto every bauble, spruce up the holly, dust off the ivy, titillate the tinsel – well, you get my hyperbolic drift, I’m sure.

 

To quote my fellow countryman, “I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a schoolboy. I am as giddy as a drunken man.”

 

I will save the best pudding for you,

 

Stephen

Comments

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

This is beyond crack.. this... this enters the realm of inspired eavesdropping. You nail everyone so perfectly - Stephen Fry especially, adn I too read with my jaw on the floor for most of it ( closed it to giggle a lot).

Keep taking the pills, darlin' and don't stop. Please, don't stop..

[peg22.livejournal.com]

I do love the lovely Stephen Fry . . . and his madcap ways!

I will continue the crack through boxing day, right up to Twelfth Night . . .

k