Birthday Crack for Laura . . .

[peg22]

because she's fabulous and LOVES THE CRACK.

and made a vid that cracked my heart . . .

plus, lord above, those boys! Heading to Tenessee to see Gillian in a skit, etc . . . really, I can't make up this shit.

Hope you have a gorgeous day, Loooooorrraaahhh.

Cracky Birthday To You
by Kaye

So, where are we going?

To Karen's thing, I told you.

Karen? Your ex-wife Karen? Carlson Karen?

No, Karen the hot maid at the Savoy - yes Karen my ex-wife.

And what thing is she doing?

Well, not you, Paulie - that ship sailed long ago.

If I remember correctly, you sunk the ship with your big jealous cannon.

Hey, she was my dead hooker girlfriend cum ex wife - you'd think you'd let me have her first . . .

Dead hooker girlfriend? What, you still have every episode memorized or something? I couldn't have told you that. 
I thought she was some hot reporter chick . . .

Sorry - dead hooker girlfriend cum hot reporter chick cum ex-wife.

And I never had her, by the way.

Well, we still have to go. I signed us up.

Great - I'm just packing my flat - I have a meeting in L.A. day after tomorrow.

Postpone it. You gotta come with me.

Why?

Well, because I asked you . . .

Not done spreading the Starsky and Hutch charm? What's next? The Poconos? Vegas?

Oh fuck off - I've asked you to do Vegas for years. 

You've asked me to do you in Vegas. Subtle difference, buddy.

No difference, "buddy". Why don't I ever remember you so goddamn stuffy?

Because you remember me how it suits you. You've a bit of Pollyanna in you, old man.

You sound like Fry - all British and nasty - you been talking to him?

You sent him over here to help me pack, remember? 

He's there?

No, he's gone down to the shoppes to buy something . . . oh I don't know . . . he said . . . oh yeah, something
deliciously orgasmigorical for my last supper. Half the time I have no idea what's going on in that man's head.

It's not his head I'n worried about. I'm coming down. It's not safe - you need protection.

Like hell. It's Stephen Fry, Davey. Harmless. Funnier than hell. He ironed my boxers.

For fuck's sake, Paulie. Did you have a stroke? Fry is a very dangerous and bad man. Look at Laurie, will ya?

Well, actually . . .

Laurie's there, too?

He came with Stephen.

I'm not touching that one - put him on.

Davey . . .

Now, Paulie, let me talk to fucking House.

Hello?

You keep your hands off him, asshole.

Well, well, if it isn't England's answer to David Soul.

This is David Soul.

And England has its answer. What can I do for you?

Cut the Jeeves crap. What are you doing there? Or should I say who are you doing there?

Good heavens - you're uptight today aren't you?  Haven't taken your pills?

I'm coming down there. So you can tell Paulie his little party is over.

I say the more the merrier, old lion - Stephen's just popped down to High Street and to pick up Ewan, so come on down.

Ewan? 

MacGregor. Lovely boy. Paul was hoping to hook up with him before he left - you know they're both Aries . . .

Hook up?

Oh, sorry, unfortunate choice of words . . . 

Put Paulie back on.

But I didn't mean . . .

Put Paulie back on.

Okay, well, see you soon, right?

Put Paulie back on.

*****

Davey, are you coming down or what?

Paulie - when exactly were you going to tell me about all your guests?

I called you, remember? Then you got all involved in dragging me to Alabama.

Tennessee and you're changing the subject.

What is the subject?

Your fascination with Obi Wan Kenobe.

Oh, Ewan . . .

"Oh, Ewan" . . . fucking hell, Paulie. Are you trying to give me a heart attack.

You didn't act this way when I wanted to meet Alec Guinness.

Yes, I did. Remember? You dropped to your knees and offered to blow him. In front of Carrie Fisher?

I did not.

No, but you would've.

Jesus, Davey. Just get on a train or get a driver and get down here. Come riding in on a white horse, I don't care.
You know I want to see you. You know I can't deal with all these people without you. I'll get pissed and stop 
talking and they'll think I'm just as much an asshole as my reputation and Stephen will somehow wind up
in the paper and it's just . . .

Just what?

Well, it's just not the same without you here and I guess if you want me to grovel . . .

Please, grovel.

Davey, I need you. You know that. So come save my virture from the vultures and I'll go to Karen's thing in Kentucky.

Tennessee and I'll be there in an hour. Just don't drink anything Fry hands you, don't go anywhere outside with Laurie, 
and don't ask Ewan to show you his light saber.

And you call me stuffy - not even a peek? 

Paulie . . .

Okay, okay. But what do I say to Dave Matthews?

Whaaaa . . .

Apparently he did House with Hugh and now he and his band are stopping by after their gig or something like that.

Dave Matthews? And his band? AND Stephen Fry? Hell, Paulie - just go lock yourself in the bathroom. NOW!

See you soon, Davey.

I'm not sure you're worth all this, Paulie.

Oh, yes you are.

Yes, I am. Now go hide.

Bye Davey.

Bye Paulie.

 

Comments

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

:shrieks with laughter:

:falls on bedroom floor:

:pulls self up again:

:reads Ewan and Dave's names again:

:falls over again:

YOU WIN CRACKMISTRESS OF THE YEAR!!!!

BEST.

EVER.

OMG.

:dies:

THANK YOU!!!!

:dies again:

[peg22.livejournal.com]

so glad you like it.
those boys just write themselves . . .

[enednoviel.livejournal.com]

Hahahahah... you fit them all in there somehow. LMAO...

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks - glad to spread the laughs!

[sjames-centre.livejournal.com]

Truly, this is crackalicious. Birthday crackalicious.

I love the idea that DS remembers every episode and PMG doesn't give a shit. And DS being all jealous, and Paul admitting he's a jerk sometimes. And Dave Matthews? AND Ewan MacGregor. I can hear Laura squee from here....

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

Hell, yeah!!!

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

oh gods, reading it again!

I can SOOO hear Laurie's real voice in my head, even though I'm more used to hearing his American affectation! OMG

OMG.

DYING here!!

:dies:

[ancastar.livejournal.com]

I almost laughed myself sick. I was going to comment about the two boys "doing" the Poconos (which for some reason tickles me). Then this came along:

For fuck's sake, Paulie. Did you have a stroke? Fry is a very dangerous and bad man. Look at Laurie, will ya?

Which made me laugh loudly.

Then the phone conversation with Laurie, which made me laugh harder.

The Paulie's groveling which made me go, "Awww!"

Good crack. Gooooooood crack.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

yes, for some reason, I too want to see them in the Poconos . . .

so glad you're enjoying my "reports"

[mashfanficchick.livejournal.com]

As usual, I don't actually have the words to explain how awesome this is. On the other hand, one could argue that that says something wonderful about how good the piece is. But if I had to pick a few favorite lines (which is so hard, because a huge part of what I love is how it all works so well together), it would be DS on the phone with Hugh Laurie, the whole Vegas bit, and Alec Guinness. Thanks as always for the amazing crack! :-)

[peg22.livejournal.com]

ah, you're too good to me - I just report . . . ahem . . .

they're so easy - you can't make this stuff up!

[mashfanficchick.livejournal.com]

they're so easy

*snickers* Yes, you would know about that, wouldn't you? Fry, Laurie, McGregor, Guinness...each other. :-) And that's just in this fic!

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

All I can say is thank god Laura had a birthday and that you love her because this is as wonderful and as OMG-I-can't laugh-anymore-my-cheeks-hurt brilliant as ever. Breathless pace, stuffed full of such wit and imagination - you are a treasure and a genius and deserve minions at your feet for these, O Queen of Crack.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

oh thanks girly - I accept the crown . . . will be checking the post for my minions . . .

[mashfanficchick.livejournal.com]

will be checking the post for my minions

So, where do I sign up? Do you need a resume? I do have experience in the minion department.

[dipslikeramon.livejournal.com]

Oh man, this totally rocks! Laugh out loud funny. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks! love your lj name!

[dipslikeramon.livejournal.com]

Hhhhwythannjou. (Why thank you in Ramon-ese). :D

[willow-fae-20.livejournal.com]

Cracky McCrackerton. This was Brilliant. wants more, please*\small voice. Seriously, I'm not above begging and bribery (I've been told I make a Damn Good chocolate chip cookie).

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks and I LOVE cccookies . . . open for requests . . .

[entropynchaos.livejournal.com]

Oh - this is so crack-worthy amazing! Love it! ^_^

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks! love your icon!