Cracked Meme - The DaveyPaulie Way

[peg22]

So of course, with all the versions of this floating around in their brilliant variations, you know I had to crack it up.

It's Davey and Paulie.
It's cracked.
It's not rated PG

I had to replace the batteries in my recorder, but it was worth it . . .

thanks to anacasta and sheila and jojo and everyone else who inspired this madness!

1 WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Paulie: My great uncle
Davey: My Dad and King David, of course.

2 WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Paulie:  What time is it?
Davey: Oh, Paulie . . . he’s such a softie.

Paulie: I am not – just got off the phone with my daughter.

Davey: See? Softie. Girls – hit you in the heart AND the wallet.

Paulie: What about you, David Stoic?

Davey: I cried last night.  Saw your treadmill commercial. It’s a tearjerker.

All that money . . .

 

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Paulie: It’s distinctive.

Davey: If by distinctive you mean illegible, yeah, it’s distinctive.

Paulie: Well, I haven’t had all the practice signing divorce papers and bail slips and gag orders.

Davey: Watch it – this is supposed to be fun. My handwriting is okay – for a guy.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
Paulie:  Well . . .

Davey: Oh, this oughta be good . . .

Paulie: What?

Davey: Go ahead – tell em.

Paulie: Well, I don’t usually eat meat . . .
Davey:  . . . but?

Paulie: But since I’ve been in London . . .

Davey: Just tell them.

Paulie: Well, Davey’s got me hooked on these little German sausages . . .

Davey: (snerk) Sausages? They’re giant bratwurst smothered in onion.

Paulie: Don’t tell anyone in L.A.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Paulie:  Yes.
Davey:  Hell, every time I turn around, there’s another one.

Paulie: There are ways of stopping that.

Davey: Not now, Paulie – we’ve got work to do.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Paulie: Yes, I feel that I’m a good loyal friend.
Davey: You are. The best. No better.

Paulie: Thanks, Davey.

Davey: You know how I feel about you. And I’d certainly be friends with me.

Paulie: Especially at closing time.

Davey: I can’t believe you. I shower you with compliments and you compare me to what?

Paulie: Bar fly?

Davey: Fuck off.

Paulie: Not now, Davey – we’ve got work to do.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Paulie: Hardly ever.
Davey: Hardly ever.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Paulie:  Nope – out when I was five.
Davey:  I can attest to that – nothing down there but his lungs.

Paulie: Davey, I don’t think that’s appropriate . . .

Davey: You think these people don’t know I’ve looked down your throat?

How many times you make me look to see if you’ve got strep? You’re

kind of a hypochondriac, Paulie . . . and no, I don’t either. Standard back then.

9. DO YOU COOK/BAKE?
Paulie:  I make a really great Tandori Chicken. And my brownies . . .

Davey:  Your fucking brownies are why I gained 20 pounds during the show.

Fucking amazing brownies.

Paulie: Yeah, now I stick to low fat.

Davey: What a waste. I can cook.  Basic stuff.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?
Paulie: I don’t usually have cereal. But I do like Grape Nuts.
Davey:  Why don’t you just eat gravel?

Paulie: What is your answer? Some kind of chemically sweetened Styrofoam?

Davey: No, I like Wheaties.

Paulie: I have never seen you eat Wheaties since I’ve known you.

Davey: You should stay for breakfast more often, then.

Paulie: Next question, please.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Paulie: Yes.
Davey: How do I know? Sometimes.  I don’t even know where my shoes are half the time.

Paulie: I’m not saying a word.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Paulie: I think strength comes in many forms. Emotionally I feel I have a certain strength . . .
Davey:  Oh, Jesus.

Paulie:  . . . physically, I’m not as strong as I once was.

Davey: You can say that again.

Paulie: Will you let me answer?

Davey: You realize it was a yes or no question, right?

Paulie: Not really. Do you think you’re strong? Mentally? Spiritually?

Davey: Yes and yes.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
Paulie: Vanilla – but a real bean vanilla – fresh.
Davey: All the chocolate you can fit in a bowl.  With chocolate sauce. Oh, and cherries.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Paulie:  Their eyes. And their hands.
Davey:  Ass. Which was lucky for you.

15. RED OR PINK?
Paulie: Red.
Davey: Red.

Paulie: What, no smart ass answer?

Davey: I’m saving them up.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Paulie: My inner resolve is at times weak. I compensate with anger, and that’s a flaw I’ve

spent this lifetime working on.

Davey: My hair. Fucking mess – leaving me every day. Oh, and what he said. I fly off

the handle for no good reason sometimes, too.

Paulie: That’s not what I said.

Davey: No, you spouted off some new age mumbo jumbo which just means that sometimes

you’re an asshole. Me, too.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Paulie: My dad . . . my daughter . . . my good friend Robert.
Davey: Paulie.

Paulie: Aw, Davey.

Davey: You know it’s true. Big hole right here when you’re gone.

Paulie: I do love you, Davey.

Davey: And my dad. I sometimes miss my dad. What he was back then. What we were

when I was younger.

18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Paulie: English muffin.
Davey: What was her name?

Paulie: For the love of . . .

Davey: Funny name.

Paulie: Damn sight better than “whatever was at the bottom of my

glass from last night . . .”

Davey: Did you ever think of becoming a comedian?

Paulie: Did you ever think of keeping your mouth shut?

Davey: Not around you, buddy.

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Paulie:  Davey’s voice.
Davey:  Ah, no really – he’s listening to Cat Powers.

Paulie: She’s great.

Davey: You’re just trying to get hip.

Paulie: I was going to say that your voice has aged well. That sometimes

it makes me think of honey on a cello . . . but not now.

Davey: Uh . . . I’m speechless.

Paulie:  Can I change my answer? I’m listening to Davey cry.

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Paulie: Blue. Dark Blue. Elemental blue.
Davey: Yellow – I need some light, man. Bright, glorious yellow.

Paulie: You are bright glorious yellow, Davey.

Davey: And you are a man among men. And I am officially a chick. Jeez.

21. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
Paulie:  The ocean. And golf courses. Golf courses smell great.
Davey:  Whiskey and cigarettes and coffee.  In the morning.

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Paulie:  My daughter.
Davey:  Stephen Fry.

Paulie: You didn’t tell me that.

Davey: He called to ask if we needed help with the questions.

Paulie: What’d you say?

Davey: The usual.

Paulie: Oh, and he said?

Davey: Only if you wear a dress.

23. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Paulie: Golf. Well, I like playing better – but even on television, there’s nothing like a long

drive off the tee.
Davey:  What a goof. I like to watch college basketball. All those boys, hope in every step that 
they’re going to make it big – make their lives something. And the athleticism. I like basketball.

24. HAIR COLOUR?
Paulie: Brown.
Davey: And grey.

Paulie: And grey, yes.

Davey: And I’m still blond – what’s left of it. Fucking hair. Just look at Paulie’s hair.

Paulie: Ouch – look, don’t pull.

Davey: I don’t think he’s lost a hair since 1983. Fucking hair. Gorgeous. Fucker.

 

25. EYE COLOUR?
Paulie: Blue.
Davey: Sky blue.

Paulie: Oh, well then – violet blue.

Davey: Yeah, you and Elizabeth Taylor.

Paulie: Don’t act like you don’t like my eyes.

Davey: Never, buddy. I’m addicted to those eyes.

26. FAVORITE FOOD?
Paulie: Lately, it’s been Indian. They’ve got the best restaurants in London . . .
Davey: Olives. Or cocktail onions.

Paulie: Don’t let him fool you. It’s all brisket all the time for him. He’s never met

red meat he doesn’t eat.

Davey: Oh really?

Paulie: You know what I mean.

Davey: Yes, and so does the world – you just announced to the world

that I love the meat . . .

Paulie: The world already knows, Davey.

27. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Paulie:  Depends.
Davey:  Oh for fuck’s sake . . .

Paulie: Well, it does. A scary movie in the hand of a good director can actually have a happy ending.

Davey: Happy endings. In my movies, in my massages.  In my life, please, Paulie.
Paulie: I’ll see what I can do.

Davey: Did I ever tell you you’re my favorite director?

 

28. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Paulie: Charlie Wilson’s War
Davey: The Man in the Chair – see it was all about directors, Paulie. And Plummer was . . . well, I am 
still jonesing for that role.

29. SUMMER, WINTER, SPRING OR AUTUMN?
Paulie: Spring. On  a golf course. Or winter in Hawaii.
Davey: Fall. Cold, wet, the leaves falling. Nothing to do but stay inside and . . .

30. HUGS OR KISSES?
Paulie:  Kisses.
Davey:  Kisses, definitely kisses. God I love kisses. Especially in the fall.

31. FAVOURITE DESSERT?
Paulie:  Crème Brulee
Davey:  Paulie’s brownies. With whipped cream.  Served at 4am on Paulie’s naked . . .

Paulie: DAVEY!

Davey: I think these questions deserve correct answers.

Paulie: Yes, but they don’t need to be followed by a subpoena.

Davey: Might be fun.

32. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Paulie: Into the Wild, by John Krakauer – what a great movie. Sean Penn should really

win a directing award. Just stunning.
Davey:  If I have to hear you talk about Sean Penn one more time to someone . . .

Paulie: He did some amazing work.

Davey: You’re just partial to actor slash directors.

Paulie: Tell them what you’re reading, Davey . . .

Davey: It’s a new book.

Paulie: Tell them.

Davey: It’s a best seller.

Paulie: Tell them.

Davey: Harry Potter, okay? I’m reading the last Harry Potter. And I can tell you I already knew

Dumbledore was gay. So obvious – those robes.

3. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Paulie:  Laptop. No mouse pad.
Davey: Probably little mice – I don’t know – ask my assistant.

34. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Paulie: I read a book and worked on the script.
Davey:  And I watched him work on the script.

 

35. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Paulie: Beatles
Davey: Stones and John Lennon

Paulie: Pick one.

Davey: No – it’s my choice. I can’t not choose Lennon. You know.

Paulie: I know.

37. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Paulie: China
Davey: I can’t believe you finally answered a question straight.

Paulie: What do you mean?

Davey: What happened to all your Buddhist bullshit – well, home is where my

spiritual knob meets my caftan . . . so the farther I travel, the closer I become . . .

Paulie: I just remember feeling very far away when we were in China. Great trip.

Davey: Yeah . . . okay. China.

38. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Paulie:  Cambridge, Massachusetts
Davey: Chicago, Illinois – and he’s older.

39. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO READING?
Paulie:  I have to read other people’s answers? Whose?
Davey:  I wanna read Fry’s.

Paulie: I want to go have a little dinner . . .

Davey: You don’t have to read anyone’s answers, Paulie. Feel free to just drop in and out

of the human experience at any time.

Paulie: Well, I’d read yours if I didn’t know them already.

Davey: Even the crayon color?

Paulie: Even the crayon color – you big bright beautiful sunshine soul.

40. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
Paulie:  Time to stop talking.
Davey:  Time to start a little action.

Paulie: Now they think we’re gonna go . . .

Davey: Hey, they’re thinking what I’m thinking . . .

 

Comments

[willow-fae-20.livejournal.com]

This? Pure Crack in it's Best form. This was Brilliant, and the answers were So very them. Great job.

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Paulie: Yes.
Davey: Hell, every time I turn around, there’s another one.

Paulie: There are ways of stopping that.

Davey: Not now, Paulie – we’ve got work to do.

:chokes laughing and coughing:

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Paulie: Hardly ever.
Davey: Hardly ever.

:must attempt to finish before passing out:

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

:wheezes:

Paulie: I have never seen you eat Wheaties since I’ve known you.

Davey: You should stay for breakfast more often, then.

Paulie: Next question, please.

*****

Paulie: What, no smart ass answer?

Davey: I’m saving them up.

*****

Melty!

Davey: You know it’s true. Big hole right here when you’re gone.

Paulie: I do love you, Davey.

*****

Can't do anymore or I'll repost your entire bit here...but OMG.

It's so fucking BELIEVABLE!!!

[ancastar.livejournal.com]

Oh this was funny, funny stuff! Is David Soul the sarcastic, hard-drinking character you portray him to be (albeit with a big bright beautiful sunshine soul)? Inquiring minds want to know. ;-)

[dipslikeramon.livejournal.com]

HEE! Farking cracktastic! When I read the DS answer to "What did you eat last" I almost mailed you the bill for a new laptop. Oh man...LOL!

[benzine-torch.livejournal.com]

I think that bit with the brownie and the whipped cream needs some considerable elaboration...detailed, detailed elaboration. ;D

[mashfanficchick.livejournal.com]

There is, as usual, nothing I can say to this, because my brain is--also as usual--shutting down from a lack of oxygen, incurred when I started laughing too hard to breathe.

Does "Wow, reading this in public at college makes other people ask me what's so funny!" count as a comment? How about "Getting to read and understand this makes reading/listening to all the metaphysical shit PMG tends to spout worth it."? :-)

[mlmsunshine.livejournal.com]

Absolutely hilarious! Too many great parts to quote. Way to go:)!

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

I just hoped and prayed that you were goıing to run with this and crack it. And thank God you did, and that I'd finished my morning coffee before you did, otherwise I'd've needed thumping on the back for sure. I love how you portray them here - I love how Davey deflates Paulie everytime he goes off on one of his esoteric flights of fnacy, and the way Paulie has a go at Davey the hard-drinking party dude - yet through it all is this terrific sense of LOVE and history and just.. years. And of course, it's so freakin' funny it should have a health warning.

Paulie: China
Davey: I can’t believe you finally answered a question straight.
Paulie: What do you mean?
Davey: What happened to all your Buddhist bullshit – well, home is where my spiritual knob meets my caftan . . . so the farther I travel, the closer I become . . .

I actually had to stop reading to breathe more at that point.

:: lays another garland at feet::

[loyseofverlaine.livejournal.com]

OMG! This is just - amazing. I've been following all these, and I have to say, I better *never* meet either of them in RL or I'm going to make such a fool of myself.

"Did you really say he was bright, glorious yellow?"
"Uh, Davey, I think we need to call a cop, right now."

[(Anonymous)]

So I guess davey is an alcoholic and Pauly is perfect? Just wondering. Still very funny!

[(Anonymous)]

This is hysterically funny and sooo right on target! This is just about the funniest piece I've read on our boys! thanks and great job!