peg22 | Cracked Meme - The DaveyPaulie Way

So of course, with all the versions of this floating around in their brilliant variations, you know I had to crack it up.

It's Davey and Paulie.
It's cracked.
It's not rated PG

I had to replace the batteries in my recorder, but it was worth it . . .

thanks to anacasta and sheila and jojo and everyone else who inspired this madness!

1 WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Paulie: My great uncle
Davey: My Dad and King David, of course.

2 WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Paulie: What time is it?
Davey: Oh, Paulie . . . he’s such a softie.

Paulie: I am not – just got off the phone with my daughter.

Davey: See? Softie. Girls – hit you in the heart AND the wallet.

Paulie: What about you, David Stoic?

Davey: I cried last night. Saw your treadmill commercial. It’s a tearjerker.

All that money . . .

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Paulie: It’s distinctive.

Davey: If by distinctive you mean illegible, yeah, it’s distinctive.

Paulie: Well, I haven’t had all the practice signing divorce papers and bail slips and gag orders.

Davey: Watch it – this is supposed to be fun. My handwriting is okay – for a guy.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
Paulie: Well . . .

Davey: Oh, this oughta be good . . .

Paulie: What?

Davey: Go ahead – tell em.

Paulie: Well, I don’t usually eat meat . . .
Davey: . . . but?

Paulie: But since I’ve been in London . . .

Davey: Just tell them.

Paulie: Well, Davey’s got me hooked on these little German sausages . . .

Davey: (snerk) Sausages? They’re giant bratwurst smothered in onion.

Paulie: Don’t tell anyone in L.A.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Paulie: Yes.
Davey: Hell, every time I turn around, there’s another one.

Paulie: There are ways of stopping that.

Davey: Not now, Paulie – we’ve got work to do.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Paulie: Yes, I feel that I’m a good loyal friend.
Davey: You are. The best. No better.

Paulie: Thanks, Davey.

Davey: You know how I feel about you. And I’d certainly be friends with me.

Paulie: Especially at closing time.

Davey: I can’t believe you. I shower you with compliments and you compare me to what?

Paulie: Bar fly?

Davey: Fuck off.

Paulie: Not now, Davey – we’ve got work to do.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Paulie: Hardly ever.
Davey: Hardly ever.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Paulie: Nope – out when I was five.
Davey: I can attest to that – nothing down there but his lungs.

Paulie: Davey, I don’t think that’s appropriate . . .

Davey: You think these people don’t know I’ve looked down your throat?

How many times you make me look to see if you’ve got strep? You’re

kind of a hypochondriac, Paulie . . . and no, I don’t either. Standard back then.

9. DO YOU COOK/BAKE?
Paulie: I make a really great Tandori Chicken. And my brownies . . .

Davey: Your fucking brownies are why I gained 20 pounds during the show.

Fucking amazing brownies.

Paulie: Yeah, now I stick to low fat.

Davey: What a waste. I can cook. Basic stuff.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?
Paulie: I don’t usually have cereal. But I do like Grape Nuts.
Davey: Why don’t you just eat gravel?

Paulie: What is your answer? Some kind of chemically sweetened Styrofoam?

Davey: No, I like Wheaties.

Paulie: I have never seen you eat Wheaties since I’ve known you.

Davey: You should stay for breakfast more often, then.

Paulie: Next question, please.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Paulie: Yes.
Davey: How do I know? Sometimes. I don’t even know where my shoes are half the time.

Paulie: I’m not saying a word.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Paulie: I think strength comes in many forms. Emotionally I feel I have a certain strength . . .
Davey: Oh, Jesus.

Paulie: . . . physically, I’m not as strong as I once was.

Davey: You can say that again.

Paulie: Will you let me answer?

Davey: You realize it was a yes or no question, right?

Paulie: Not really. Do you think you’re strong? Mentally? Spiritually?

Davey: Yes and yes.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
Paulie: Vanilla – but a real bean vanilla – fresh.
Davey: All the chocolate you can fit in a bowl. With chocolate sauce. Oh, and cherries.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Paulie: Their eyes. And their hands.
Davey: Ass. Which was lucky for you.

15. RED OR PINK?
Paulie: Red.
Davey: Red.

Paulie: What, no smart ass answer?

Davey: I’m saving them up.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Paulie: My inner resolve is at times weak. I compensate with anger, and that’s a flaw I’ve

spent this lifetime working on.

Davey: My hair. Fucking mess – leaving me every day. Oh, and what he said. I fly off

the handle for no good reason sometimes, too.

Paulie: That’s not what I said.

Davey: No, you spouted off some new age mumbo jumbo which just means that sometimes

you’re an asshole. Me, too.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Paulie: My dad . . . my daughter . . . my good friend Robert.
Davey: Paulie.

Paulie: Aw, Davey.

Davey: You know it’s true. Big hole right here when you’re gone.

Paulie: I do love you, Davey.

Davey: And my dad. I sometimes miss my dad. What he was back then. What we were

when I was younger.

18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Paulie: English muffin.
Davey: What was her name?

Paulie: For the love of . . .

Davey: Funny name.

Paulie: Damn sight better than “whatever was at the bottom of my

glass from last night . . .”

Davey: Did you ever think of becoming a comedian?

Paulie: Did you ever think of keeping your mouth shut?

Davey: Not around you, buddy.

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Paulie: Davey’s voice.
Davey: Ah, no really – he’s listening to Cat Powers.

Paulie: She’s great.

Davey: You’re just trying to get hip.

Paulie: I was going to say that your voice has aged well. That sometimes

it makes me think of honey on a cello . . . but not now.

Davey: Uh . . . I’m speechless.

Paulie: Can I change my answer? I’m listening to Davey cry.

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Paulie: Blue. Dark Blue. Elemental blue.
Davey: Yellow – I need some light, man. Bright, glorious yellow.

Paulie: You are bright glorious yellow, Davey.

Davey: And you are a man among men. And I am officially a chick. Jeez.

21. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
Paulie: The ocean. And golf courses. Golf courses smell great.
Davey: Whiskey and cigarettes and coffee. In the morning.

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Paulie: My daughter.
Davey: Stephen Fry.

Paulie: You didn’t tell me that.

Davey: He called to ask if we needed help with the questions.

Paulie: What’d you say?

Davey: The usual.

Paulie: Oh, and he said?

Davey: Only if you wear a dress.

23. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Paulie: Golf. Well, I like playing better – but even on television, there’s nothing like a long

drive off the tee.
Davey: What a goof. I like to watch college basketball. All those boys, hope in every step that
they’re going to make it big – make their lives something. And the athleticism. I like basketball.

24. HAIR COLOUR?
Paulie: Brown.
Davey: And grey.

Paulie: And grey, yes.

Davey: And I’m still blond – what’s left of it. Fucking hair. Just look at Paulie’s hair.

Paulie: Ouch – look, don’t pull.

Davey: I don’t think he’s lost a hair since 1983. Fucking hair. Gorgeous. Fucker.

25. EYE COLOUR?
Paulie: Blue.
Davey: Sky blue.

Paulie: Oh, well then – violet blue.

Davey: Yeah, you and Elizabeth Taylor.

Paulie: Don’t act like you don’t like my eyes.

Davey: Never, buddy. I’m addicted to those eyes.

26. FAVORITE FOOD?
Paulie: Lately, it’s been Indian. They’ve got the best restaurants in London . . .
Davey: Olives. Or cocktail onions.

Paulie: Don’t let him fool you. It’s all brisket all the time for him. He’s never met

red meat he doesn’t eat.

Davey: Oh really?

Paulie: You know what I mean.

Davey: Yes, and so does the world – you just announced to the world

that I love the meat . . .

Paulie: The world already knows, Davey.

27. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Paulie: Depends.
Davey: Oh for fuck’s sake . . .

Paulie: Well, it does. A scary movie in the hand of a good director can actually have a happy ending.

Davey: Happy endings. In my movies, in my massages. In my life, please, Paulie.
Paulie: I’ll see what I can do.

Davey: Did I ever tell you you’re my favorite director?

28. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Paulie: Charlie Wilson’s War
Davey: The Man in the Chair – see it was all about directors, Paulie. And Plummer was . . . well, I am
still jonesing for that role.

29. SUMMER, WINTER, SPRING OR AUTUMN?
Paulie: Spring. On a golf course. Or winter in Hawaii.
Davey: Fall. Cold, wet, the leaves falling. Nothing to do but stay inside and . . .

30. HUGS OR KISSES?
Paulie: Kisses.
Davey: Kisses, definitely kisses. God I love kisses. Especially in the fall.

31. FAVOURITE DESSERT?
Paulie: Crème Brulee
Davey: Paulie’s brownies. With whipped cream. Served at 4am on Paulie’s naked . . .

Paulie: DAVEY!

Davey: I think these questions deserve correct answers.

Paulie: Yes, but they don’t need to be followed by a subpoena.

Davey: Might be fun.

32. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Paulie: Into the Wild, by John Krakauer – what a great movie. Sean Penn should really

win a directing award. Just stunning.
Davey: If I have to hear you talk about Sean Penn one more time to someone . . .

Paulie: He did some amazing work.

Davey: You’re just partial to actor slash directors.

Paulie: Tell them what you’re reading, Davey . . .

Davey: It’s a new book.

Paulie: Tell them.

Davey: It’s a best seller.

Paulie: Tell them.

Davey: Harry Potter, okay? I’m reading the last Harry Potter. And I can tell you I already knew

Dumbledore was gay. So obvious – those robes.

3. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Paulie: Laptop. No mouse pad.
Davey: Probably little mice – I don’t know – ask my assistant.

34. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Paulie: I read a book and worked on the script.
Davey: And I watched him work on the script.

35. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Paulie: Beatles
Davey: Stones and John Lennon

Paulie: Pick one.

Davey: No – it’s my choice. I can’t not choose Lennon. You know.

Paulie: I know.

37. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Paulie: China
Davey: I can’t believe you finally answered a question straight.

Paulie: What do you mean?

Davey: What happened to all your Buddhist bullshit – well, home is where my

spiritual knob meets my caftan . . . so the farther I travel, the closer I become . . .

Paulie: I just remember feeling very far away when we were in China. Great trip.

Davey: Yeah . . . okay. China.

38. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Paulie: Cambridge, Massachusetts
Davey: Chicago, Illinois – and he’s older.

39. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO READING?
Paulie: I have to read other people’s answers? Whose?
Davey: I wanna read Fry’s.

Paulie: I want to go have a little dinner . . .

Davey: You don’t have to read anyone’s answers, Paulie. Feel free to just drop in and out

of the human experience at any time.

Paulie: Well, I’d read yours if I didn’t know them already.

Davey: Even the crayon color?

Paulie: Even the crayon color – you big bright beautiful sunshine soul.

40. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
Paulie: Time to stop talking.
Davey: Time to start a little action.

Paulie: Now they think we’re gonna go . . .

Davey: Hey, they’re thinking what I’m thinking . . .