The Finale - You just knew Paulie would have something to say . . .

[peg22]

So the House finale - in all its beloved snarky soapy  fanfic-olicious glory - inspired this CRACK.

It's DS/PMG and a little HL/RSL and there are spoilers for Wilson's Heart and 
some mention of S/H and H/W and A/D.

The real question is . . .how meta does a fiction have to get before it's actually back 
to being an alpha. Talk amongst yourselves . . .

Hello?

 

Hi.

 

What’s wrong?

 

Nothing . . .

 

Paulie, what’s wrong?

 

Nothing – just, well I . . . I’m just sad.

 

What happened?

 

Nothing.

 

You’re sniffing.

 

I’m not sniffing – I have allergies.

 

You do not – what the hell is wrong. Do I need to hop a plane?

 

Yes. No. I don’t know.

 

Okay, Paulie, I’m about to hang up and dial 911 and get some people over there.

You wanna drop the act and tell me what the hell is wrong? You’re pissing me off.

 

Oh, so I’m upset and somehow it pisses you off? You’re so predictable.

 

Yes, well predict this.

 

(click)

 

Paul stared at the phone and then set it on the table, leaned back in the chair and ran both hands through his hair. Grabbed the remote and turned to Top Chef. Got lost for a minute in sauté pans and bitchy lesbians cooking skirt steak. Wondered how long Davey would torture him before he called back. He didn’t have to wait long. He picked up the phone on the third ring.

 

Hello.

 

You’re an asshole.

 

That’s predictable asshole to you.

 

You’re crying over your goddamn boyfriend.

 

You’ll have to be more specific.

 

You watched his show. That dripping piece of manipulative shit. You watched it, didn’t you?

 

It was not a dripping piece of . . . how do you know I watched it?

 

I know you. And your constant hard-on for all things Hugh Fucking Laurie. And Stephen called to remind me.

 

Stephen called? Did he watch the show?

 

Don’t piss me off.

 

You know Davey – what you’re missing in between all your righteous indignation over the fact that I was watching House and not something with you in your afro days is that I called you. I wanted to talk to you.

 

Oh, fuck.

 

So, what else did Stephen say?

 

I’m an ass.

 

He called you an ass?

 

No, I’m calling me an ass.

 

You’re not an ass. Insensitive, sometimes. But not an ass.

 

So talk to me.

 

I don’t know, it was just so . . . have you seen any of the last few episodes?

 

No, I’m busy working at night, remember? As an actor. In a show. That you haven’t seen.

 

Well, basically, Wilson asked House to die in order to save his girlfriend.

 

I thought Wilson and House were girlfriends.

 

Not on the show. Not really.

 

Not like us?

 

Well kind of like us – wait, what do you mean by that?

 

Every woman who ever got in between us died.

 

They did not.

 

For fuck’s sake, Paulie – did you ever watch our show? All put together? Like on TV?

 

I just can’t believe I didn’t notice the similarities . . . it was just like that.

 

They killed off a broad so your boyfriend and his boyfriend could be together? Really?

Wow, American television is finally catching up.

 

No, not like that. It was just . . .

 

Are you sniffing again?

 

You should have seen them, Davey. I thought Hugh was going to just turn to dust – the unspoken moments. Damn. And the kid . . . he just collapsed inside. And you saw it all. Right there.  On the screen. Fucking brilliant . . .

 

You are sniffing.

 

(sniff)

 

Paulie?

 

Well, it was sad and it reminded me of us and what we tried to do and what we couldn’t do and how it all went to shit and that there are just these moments caught forever on film that are perfect and just ours and now they have that, too, and I don’t know. It was sad.

 

Now I have to watch it. You’ve now forced me to watch it. Stephen was right.

 

What did he say?

 

He told me that his boys were better than our boys.

 

Huh?

 

He said that we’d better watch our back or “his Hugh” and that gorgeous Robert Sean Penn Warren would be the most popular Prime Time Homos ever.

 

He said that?

 

Well, a pooftier variation of that. I’m gonna have to watch that goddamn show.

 

You should watch it, Davey. Do you good.

 

If you tell me I need a good cry, I’m calling 911 because apparently watching House has turned you into a woman.

 

I have it Tivo’d.

 

Your transformation into a chick?

 

No, my best friend – oh god, and he called him his best friend and his face . . .

 

Jesus, Paulie, get a grip, will ya?

 

It was brilliant, Davey. You should fly out this weekend. I want to watch you when

you watch it.

 

Intriguingly kinky, but no. I’m sure it’ll be all over You Tube soon.

 

No, you have to watch it on the big screen. Come on. I’ll get some steaks. Some Cubans. We’ll be like Alan and Denny on the balcony. Think of it as the postmodern meta-sleepover.

 

I think if you want me in the sack, you just have to say, “Davey, I want you in the sack.”

 

I don’t want you in the sack; I want you on my couch in front of my screen . . .

 

Couch, sack, wherever. I’m not that picky.

 

Davey, stick to the subject. Don’t you have some business you can do out here? Producers to piss off? Alimony checks to deliver?  Or I could come there.

 

I will leave that last statement gasping in the ether.

 

And you call me predictable. So what if I say I’ll suck your dick if you come watch House with me.

 

You want to suck my dick? While watching your boyfriend on screen? Jesus, Paulie.

 

No I said, “what if I say . . .”

 

But you already said it.

 

Or I guess I could invite Hugh over . . . drink some Scotch, talk about his motivations . . .

 

And they call me the asshole . . .

 

So what do you say, asshole?

 

I think I’m going to regret this.

 

I’m counting on it. See you Friday, Davey.

 

Yeah, great. Perfect.

 

Comments

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

You are sniffing.

(sniff)

Paulie?

Well, it was sad and it reminded me of us and what we tried to do and what we couldn’t do and how it all went to shit and that there are just these moments caught forever on film that are perfect and just ours and now they have that, too, and I don’t know. It was sad.

---

*sniff*

[peg22.livejournal.com]

oh those boys! All of them . . .

[ancastar.livejournal.com]

How ridiculous is it that I'm touched the episode touched Paul as much as it did. At least in your world. This:

For fuck’s sake, Paulie – did you ever watch our show? All put together? Like on TV?

is freakin' hysterical. And sounds just like David.

Well done, and yeah--House was amazing.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks for reading, girly.
It was really amazing - I can't believe how much RSL made me cry when he cried - kinda like Starsky - all hunched up and not pretty . . . boys boohooing is the BEST!

[dipslikeramon.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh. Much love for this. Much, much, much love.

How helpful is that, huh?

:D

[peg22.livejournal.com]

oh its good for me. thanks! and I love Rrrramon's icon!

[benzine-torch.livejournal.com]

Oh god, I think if you ever actually write about them doing it (I am still wanting to hear about that brownie thing), I will DIE. But in a good way.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

I forgot about the brownie thing . . .
Oh, I'll write about them doing it - don't worry . . .

[mashfanficchick.livejournal.com]

*not-reading-not-reading-not-reading*

I hate you. ;-)

I haven't had any time at all to watch House this season, so I figured I'd catch up on it during the summer reruns. But now that means that I have to wait until, like, September to read this fic.

You're so mean awesome! *bursts into fake tears*

[peg22.livejournal.com]

I'll send you the FBI version, with the spoiler sentences blacked out . . . wipes fake tears.

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

They killed off a broad so your boyfriend and his boyfriend could be together? Really? The most brilliant episode-in-a-nutshell ever. By turns sweet, touching, bitchy and so how I magine them to be. And you wrote them having a fangirl squee together - what could be better? Has induced my own squee, just for them.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks girly - and just wait till you see that ep!!!!! I do love thinking of them as fangirls!

[loyseofverlaine.livejournal.com]

I don't watch House at all, but then, with your regular crackfics, I don't need to. *G* You have a definitely twisted mind (but in a *good* way).

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks! I love that you read it anyway - and why don't you watch House????

Yes, a twisted mind is a terrible thing to waste . . . snerk.

So, I finally read it, and...

[mashfanficchick.livejournal.com]

I have to say, aside from anything else (like how much it made me laugh, and how much I loved it, and how much I love their "voices")...it made me feel a lot less bad about the fact that I was fucking SOBBING during "Wilson's Heart" (and I'm not exactly known for crying at stuff onscreen my recent post about Jude Law movies notwithstanding). Granted, I'm not totally sure WHY, since PMG (both your version of him, and, I have a feeling, the real thing) is way more of a girl than I am in that sense, but still. Though, of course, now I want to know what happened when Davey did watch it with Paulie. I'm picturing anything from fucking, to tears (Davey's), to tears and laughter (Paulie's and Davey's, respectively), to all of those things together (and nope, I don't care where the fucking comes in, but I'm reasonably certain it'll be in there somewhere).

Thanks as always for the awesome. *g*

Re: So, I finally read it, and...

[peg22.livejournal.com]

oh yeah, Wilson's Heart DID ME IN!!! and you know our first boys keep very good track of these boys . . . and yes, I agree, there would be fucking.
You're making me wanna write H/W again - oh, btw, you should read "After" now - it's post Wilson's heart . . . tee hee!