Panto Crack 2008 - The Season Starts Early in England

[peg22]

DS/PMG
RPF/S - oh, who can even tell these days . . .
Crack Yumminess - Because he won't stop flirting with TV Hosts and because he gets up early to watch him flirt with TV Hosts.


So, even though I swore off writing any fic/crack/transcripts until after the semester was over, those boys and their crackish behavior have brought me back to intercept a phone conversation between you know who and the one who's in trouble with you know who.

with the usual apology to Joni Mitchell . . .

Panto Crack 2008 – “Seriously?”

 

 

Paul’s phone is ringing as he walks out the studio door, looking for his driver. He smiles when he sees the number. He flips the phone open and launches the first volley:

 

 

You couldn’t let me get out of the studio?

 

You get her number?

 

Whose number?

 

Seriously? That’s how you’re gonna play this today?

 

I didn’t get her number. Nice legs, though.

 

Good morning to you, too. Fucker.

 

You’re up early. Or late?

 

You looked good. What’s with the couch?

Don’t ask me. Slippery. Where are you today?

 

L.A. – ex-wife shit. Slippery.

 

I thought we were meeting in London on Saturday – you going to be back?

 

Yeah, unless Melissa taps me again.

 

Do I dare ask?

 

God, I love your dirty mind. Etheridge. Melissa Etheridge. Wants me to show up at some rally. You know, carry a sign. Protest Prop 8. “Starsky wants to marry Hutch,” that kind of shit.

 

(silence)

 

Did you hear me?

 

I was trying to decide whether to have a stroke or a heart attack.

 

Calm down, I didn’t say I would do it. But the whole thing pisses me off. Everyone should have a right to fuck up their life on their own. Oh, fuck it. I probably won’t do it.

 

You will do it. It’s what you want.

 

Yeah, that’s me alright. I don’t have enough of that bullshit in my life to now take on you and all yours.

 

No, I mean the publicity . . . what do you mean, my bullshit?

 

Paulie, you gotta lotta bullshit. Plus with this mid-life thing you’re going through . . .

 

What mid-life thing?

 

The flirting, the beard, the diet . . .

 

It’s not a diet – I’m just working out.

 

Well, you look too good now.

 

Really?

 

Yes, you vain asshole – for an old guy, you look too good.  Wanna get married?

 

You pay too much attention to-hang on . . . oh yes, I’m sure it’ll be here in a minute – thanks, though. Oh . . . well, thanks, yes, I’ve been working out – oh, sure. I know where it is. I have rehearsal till seven. Okay, sounds great.  I’ll be there . . . Sorry, Davey –

 

Did you just make a date with that chick while you were on the phone with me?

 

She wants to go to dinner – I have to eat – figure it out.

 

Does she know I just asked you to marry me?

 

She doesn’t care. I was her favorite.

 

Told me that, too. They all tell me that – and speaking of your interview with those people – what’s with the “Oh, really, I heard Davey did that silly show . . .” That’s not what you said when I was tapping out a little symphony in that hotel in Rome . . . seems like you knew all about my conducting . . .

 

It’s TV, Davey, I’m not going to tell them anything. Especially about Rome.

 

So you didn’t answer me.

 

What?

 

Wanna get married?

 

We can’t – against the law.

 

Would you, though? Would Starsky marry Hutch?

 

I think they would’ve gotten married in Canada years ago, don’t you?

 

I would hope so. Those boys couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

 

Well, I heard Hutch was pretty smitten.

 

Smitten? Hell, Starsky could barely keep it inside his pants.

 

That was wardrobe.

 

That was lust, my friend. Speaking of, when do I pick you up Saturday?

 

I don’t know – I’m not sure about rehearsals.

 

I could come there, you know – if you weren’t so goddamn paranoid.

 

I’m practical. I don’t want to show up and two days later, here you come. And you know Stephen will get wind of it and it’ll be like last year all over again.

 

Last year was . . . festive.

 

Yes, and as you pointed out, I’m a little too old for festive.

 

Shall we both wear tuxes?

Saturday?

 

At our wedding. I think we should both wear tuxes. White ones. Like Jackman.

 

Jackman?

 

Yeah, have you seen pictures of Jackman lately? In his new film? Fucking sexy. White tuxes for sure.

 

I love you, Davey. I really do. You ask me to marry you and then lust after Hugh Jackman in the same breath.

 

Yes, well, I ask you to marry me and you make a date with the chippy from the morning show.

 

We’re obviously made for each other.

 

Took you thirty years to figure that one out?

 

No, took me about three days of you feeling me up in that damn car.

 

I never felt you up. The seats were . . .

 

Slippery, I know.  

 

Very slippery.

 

There’s my car – okay Davey, I got to get to rehearsal. Call me back at three.

 

Yes or no.

 

Uh, yes, call me back.

 

Are you going to marry me or what?

 

Or what? How are we not married already? Everyone links us together everywhere all the time.

 

True.

 

You get upset when I don’t call you.

 

True.

 

You hate my beard.

 

True.

 

You forget my birthday.

 

Only once.

 

You don’t like the women I date.

 

So true. And you nag me about my drinking.

 

True.

 

And my clothes.

 

A grown man wears sock, Davey.

 

And you’re the only one in the world I’d call for bail AND a blow job.

 

See, we are married. Can I go now?

Go forth and panto, asshole. I’ll call you when I get back to London.

 

Okay, and seriously, Davey . . .

 

Seriously?

 

You’re the longest and most successful relationship I’ve had in my life. If you want to call us married, we’re married.

 

“We don’t need no piece of paper from the city hall . . . keeping us tied and true, oh, my old man . . . keeping away my blues . . .”

 

Say goodbye, Joni.

 

Goodbye Joni.

 

fin

.

Comments

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

Darling, I say this purely platonically:

I WILL LOVE YOU TILL MY DYING DAY.

You heard me wishing from allll the way on the left coast. Bless you, woman. Bless you forever.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

well, I knew you were vacationing . . . and those boys! They never stop.

[lauramcewan.livejournal.com]

lol vacationing at home! :D I needed this today. thank you. :D

[peg22.livejournal.com]

so glad to help. and a big ol hug for your beautiful grandpa. I was lucky to have mine until 3 years ago, and I know what a gift it was to still have him as an adult - and that your kids got to know him - good blessings in the sadness for sure.

[benzine-torch.livejournal.com]

Squeee.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks!

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

Heh. Knew you woudn't be able to resist our Paulie in panto again. I miss this crack like bacon, bachgen. And if you knew how much I miss bacon...:)))Fabulous, fabulous stuff, I can go to bed happy now.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

oh I know! those boys! Glad to help the happiness - and do we need to send you some bacon????

[cynatnite.livejournal.com]

I'm dead. You just killed me and I'm in effing heaven. *sigh*

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks - I think. Crack kills - its a fact!

[lolabobs.livejournal.com]

Fantastic!

[peg22.livejournal.com]

glad you liked it - those boys are something else!

[mashfanficchick.livejournal.com]

Getting here from starsky_hutch...

It's RPF and Crack and DS and PMG . . . with a little Joni Mitchell thrown in for good measure . . .

Before I even read it...YAY! *dances, sings (badly)* "Happy days are here again!"

[mashfanficchick.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, freaking fantastic! As always, I can't even pick a part to love the most...though I'm leaning towards the whole "We ARE married already" part...or maybe the Prop 8 protest...and there's something weirdly sweet, so matter how screwed-up and sarcastic they both are, whether Paulie was serious or not, about "I think they would’ve gotten married in Canada years ago, don’t you?"...but then, there's also the awesomeness of "I love you, Davey. I really do. You ask me to marry you and then lust after Hugh Jackman in the same breath."

Remind me again why it doesn't count if I just copy the whole damn thing and call it my favorite lines? :-D

[peg22.livejournal.com]

oh thanks girly - the stuff , it writes itself! And I love your icon!

[willow-fae-20.livejournal.com]

This was lovely. Oh Boys, never ever change.

[peg22.livejournal.com]

amen to that - thanks for reading! and I love you icon, too!

[dipslikeramon.livejournal.com]

Fucking A MUCH rockage!!! Crack RULES!

[peg22.livejournal.com]

Fuckin A! Crack is the best. Don't believe what they tell you - it's good for you!

[83lou.livejournal.com]

Wow wow wow, I enjoyed the whole story!

[peg22.livejournal.com]

thanks! Glad you enjoyed it - those boys are great entertainment!